FF8 from Hell
by Winterheart
Summary: What if Squall's beloved friends were not quite what he thought they were....? Rated R for adult themes and perhaps some language later on. Please Read and Review!
1. DisclaimerWarning

I don't own anything except a pen and a sock.........yes, a SOCK. I don't even have pink bunny slippers.... sniff All characters, places and things of the Final Fantasy world belong to their original creators. I have yet to raise enough cash to buy my favorite boys from Squaresoft and force them to submit to my will..... Be afraid Squall, be very afraid...  
  
On a side note, at the moment, this is probably a story for adults and those who are not feint of heart. My current ideas involve sick humor, terror, torture, and tears all around as well as some dark and twisted humor; hence the R rating. That could change, however, but it would still be a story for adults as it will contain references to homosexuality, bondage, S&M, the whole dominance and submission thing, and basically not the kinda thing for you kiddies. So, I say again, if you're not an adult or you simply don't like this kinda stuff, don't read it!!! I refuse to accept any flames (praise and constructive criticism are welcome, however).... Readers, you have been warned... 


	2. The Mission

It was a rather rainy and dreary day at Balamb Garden as Squall made his way up to the Headmaster's office. He had no idea why he had been summoned so early in the morning (4:15 am to be exact), but he knew that he didn't like it and that there would be hell to pay...  
  
The Headmaster was on the phone when Squall finally stalked in. And, as a gesture of politeness, he sat down, back rigid despite his fatigue, and waited his turn.  
  
Cid - No, Mr. President, I simply cannot believe that! Odine?! In prison?! But, why, sir? .............. Child molestation?! And how did he manage all of that? .............. Yes, I know he already dresses like a clown.......... He used his accent to make them laugh, well, I suppose it is strange and odd enough to grab a child's interest..............uh- huh...................yes, I see................What exactly did he promise them?............A GF?! He told them he would grant them a GF if they participated in his 'experiments'?!.............Well that just goes to show you....... I knew he was really weird, but I would have pegged him for being gay, not a pedophile!!!...........Yes, sir.........I'll send some people over to help with security and the trial................uh- huh..................Say, how are the children recovering...............Great Hyne, some have sprouted horns?!.........Where?........down THERE?!?!?.........my goodness.......yes, we'll get everything taken care of immediately................Ummmm, are we still on for Friday night, you know, at The Promised Land? I hear they've gotten some new talent to show off and I'm just dying to see---Oh, hello, Squall! I didn't see you there! Um, when did you walk in?'  
  
Squall didn't say anything, having heard the entire conversation without wanting to. He remained seated as Cid stood up to offer a handshake in greeting and simply stared as if the Headmaster was the one who had sprouted horns.  
  
Cid - 'Uh, yes, well, my boy, I have a mission for you, if you hadn't guessed.'  
  
Squall - ..... Don't call me 'your boy'. And if this mission has anything to do with The Promised Land, too bad, I'm never going back there!! Get Seifer to bed your lap dancer.....I mean dog!!  
  
Cid – Don't worry, it shouldn't be anything like that—  
  
Squall – What do you mean 'shouldn't be'?  
  
Cid – Well, to tell the truth, I don't really know all that much about the mission. You're simply supposed to go find some scary, old castle up north where no one will hear you scream or ever find you if you get lost and meet Madame Cauchemar.  
  
Squall – Madam 'Who'?  
  
Cid – Madame Cauchemar, I think it's French or something. But all she said was that you must meet her alone and to 'Be prepared'. Oh, and you have to leave right now, she doesn't like little boys to be late!  
  
Squall - .....What aren't you telling me? And for God's sake, I am not a little boy!!  
  
Cid - ....well........if you don't meet her, tonight, she'll destroy Balamb Garden and every living inhabitant of this planet after she creates the Final Lunar Cry and brings every existing monster to reign chaos and havoc upon mankind.  
  
Squall - .........ok.........anything else I should know?  
  
Cid - ...not really, just don't make her angry and wear a chastity belt.  
  
Squall didn't reply. He looked at the Headmaster for a few troubled moments, and then got up to leave.  
  
Cid – Oh, and Squall? Have fun, but don't destroy the world, ok? And if you die, I'll make sure your body, wonderful and with such a tight little ass, comes back to Garden for a proper burial. See you soon!! 


	3. The Forest

Thanks for the reviews, Firefly-Dreams; I'm glad that someone is enjoying my story... By the way, please take notice of the reference to The Promised Land, from the story of my good friend Crimson1 (although, she's actually Crimson, the first and original) called Mission Kinky. It's a must read for everyone who likes sick humor and torturing the boys of FF8... mwa ha ha ha ha!!! evil cackle...  
  
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It had been nearly an hour since Squall disembarked from the Ragnarock and started walking through the dense forest to the immense castle in the distance. He had no idea where he was going, and since the trees above him, though stark in leaves, were immense, he had no idea if he was even close to where he should be.  
  
Squall –Ok, now where? I don't see a sign or a path or anything... Hell, I don't see anything at all except—SPIDER!!  
  
In the middle of his riveting reverie, Squall had noticed a rather large and hairy, black spider descend from the trees. He spent the next few moment s dancing wildly around in an attempt to brush the spider off of himself as is landed on the leaf of a small plant and continued on its way.  
  
Squall – "ACK! I hate spiders! But then again, they're not as bad as—TICKS!!!"  
  
And again, Squall began doing a special dance as innumerable ticks began crawling up his legs. He continued through the woods, never quite getting rid of them, and therefore, without stopping his 'dance'. He ended up running into a small stream and doused himself many times, only to discover that a leech had attached itself to something that, well, can sometimes contain a lot of blood......when it's 'happy'...  
  
Squall – "AHHHHHH!!!!"  
  
In a desperate attempt to detach the leech from his nether-regions, Squall had taken out his gunblade and very carefully shaved off the unwanted pest.  
  
Squall – "Good God, does everything I hate and fear live in this forest?! What else could there be?!"  
  
??? – "Be careful what you wish for, Squally..."  
  
Squall froze (nothing too difficult since he was freezing his ass off anyways from the water) at the sound of a little sing-song voice. Only his eyes moved around frantically as he tried in vain to distinguish where it was coming from.  
  
??? – "What's the matter, Squally? Don't you want to play with me?"  
  
Squall minutely shook his head, not wanting to provoke that which he feared most.  
  
?? – "Oh Squally-Wally, come and play with me! We can play Dress-up and House and Ring Around the Rosy! It'll be so much fun!"  
  
And there, just to his left, emerged the thing that he feared most of all, more than spiders, more than ticks or leeches, more than The Promised Land: little girls.  
  
Squall – "Ahhhhh!"  
  
Dressed in a pink, frilly dress with pink ribbons in her hair, the Little Girl skipped up to him and gently grasped his hand.  
  
Little Girl – "Come on, Squally-poo, I wanna play!"  
  
Squall said nothing, just looked at the small, pink, spawn of the devil and made small, whimpering noises. Not getting the reaction she wanted, the Little Girl tugged gently at his arm.  
  
Little Girl - /frowning/ "Come, Squally, let's play Horsy.........NOW."  
  
Again, Squall said nothing, but continued trying to breath. Angered, the Little Girl tugged again, this time nearly tearing Squall's arm out of his socket.  
  
Little Girl – "You will play with me now and be my playmate forever or I will put makeup on you, dress you as a doll, and send you to The Promised Land!"  
  
Squall – "God, no!! I'm never going back there again!!!"  
  
Broken from his fear, Squall screamed 'Renzokuken' and proceeded to blast the small child to smithereens. When all was finally finished, Squall stood with his gunblade at the ready, still waiting for the body of the Little Girl to get up and smother him in kisses.  
  
???2 – "Oh, my poor Squall, is something wrong? Are you afraid, here in the forest, all alone?  
  
Squall - /looking around wildly at yet another unknown voice/ Who's there?!  
  
???2 - /chuckling deeply/ Ha ha ha ha ha....... I am your worst fear, yet you don't know it yet. What I can show you will haunt your dreams for all eternity and turn you insane by the mere thought of it. I am......  
  
Squall - /after a rather considerable pause/ You are......?  
  
???2 – Irvine in spandex!!!!!  
  
And indeed, Irvine dressed in red and black striped spandex bikini bottoms, burst through a bunch of bushes. His impressive entrance was marred, however, when the bushes, notably with many sharp thorns, tore his spandex bikini in all the right places.  
  
Irvine - ...ooops.  
  
Squall – Good grief! Would you at least cover yourself?!  
  
Noticing something that wasn't supposed to be showing, Irvine quickly grabbed his cowboy hat and placed it over himself.  
  
Squall – Irvine, what in Hyne's name are you doing here?!  
  
Irvine – I am here to unlock your deepest fears and scare you into oblivion!! him having said this as he stalked a little too close to Squall for comfort, especially in his spandex-deprived state  
  
Squall – Umm...Irvine, I hate to break it to you, but you're not scary. Now the spider, ticks, and leech were creepy, and the Little Girl was downright terrifying, but you don't scare me.  
  
Irvine – Awww, come on, Squall. Not even a little bit?  
  
Squall - ..........  
  
Irvine – Ok, ok, since you have vanquished the Duke of Fear, you may pass. But beware, for many more dangers lurk ahead in your long and lonely path...  
  
Squall – Ok, thanks Irvine, but you're a little too close to me now. Would you kindly back away and stop hissing in my ear?  
  
Irvine - ....you ruin all of my fun....  
  
Squall – Yeah, I know. And you might want to put some Calamine lotion on your butt, I think you picked up some poison ivy...  
  
Irvine – Hey, thanks, man. The trail to the castle is just to your right, through those two y-shaped trees. Oh, and what little girl were you talking about? I wouldn't send a poor defenseless kid into the woods! That's just unethical!!  
  
Squall paused a moment, blinking the fearful confusion away, before he turned and found the path to the castle. 


	4. The Courtyard

AN: Because the world hates me, anytime I try to put special little characters in the story to separate parts or indicate thought, it never shows up. So, if you've been a little confused with some parts because of this, please, bear with me. Thanks to my reviewers! Oh yeah, and as a side note to those of you who think I've turned Squall into a pansy, this is a fic, and a humorous/horrific one at that. I'm just playing with him. And besides, how do you think you would feel if you were put up against your phobias? :-P

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After a few minutes of walking along the path, Squall finally came upon the castle. He stopped and stared at the terrifying immensity, which consisted of: large, forbidding doors; numerous gargoyles that seemed to be alive; hostile, flying 'things' that circled the tall, spindly towers; and a few decaying bodies that hung from the front windows, some of which containing signs that varied from "Go Back!" and "Beware, evil lurks here!" to the more disturbing "Vampires, Witches, and Wackos are Welcome" and "Free-for- All every Tuesday—Bring Your Own Whips and Chains". Trying not to think too hard upon the various signs, Squall took a tentative step forward and placed his hands against one of the doors. He tried for a few moments to push it open with brute strength, but with no avail. Glancing around for a latch or button or anything else, his eyes fell upon a tiny message carved into the wood right next to the handle:  
  
Squall – Beware of rabid animal....? /Oh, great, what next?/  
  
No sooner had Squall whispered those words than the door opened ever so slightly. Startled, Squall jumped back a step, wondering what the hell he had done, but then continued forward, pushing the door open as if it weighed nothing at all.  
  
As Squall stepped into the courtyard, the door behind him immediately slammed shut. And try as he might, he could not get it to open again. Taking a deep breath to steel himself, he turned around and looked at his surroundings. The courtyard wasn't much different from the outside, everything was simply closer and therefore, more scary. Squall took a few steps into the courtyard, and, not seeing anything vicious, he started for the large doors across the way.  
  
Squall made it to about the middle of the courtyard before he heard a low growl from behind him. He froze instantly and began to slowly turn around, inch by inch. Sweat started to bead upon his forehead as he imagined the many things that could be behind him, ready to tear out his throat. Taking that last, fateful step, he turned fully and saw:  
  
Squall – ZELL?!?  
  
Crouched behind Squall was Zell, though it was certainly no ordinary Zell. Indeed, as Squall looked upon his hyperactive friend, he noticed a few small, but significant differences: Zell's dirtiness, his abundance of hair......everywhere, his elongated canine teeth (more than usual), his glowing red eyes, his tendency to pause the growling and scratch at something behind his ear, and his almost complete lack of clothing.  
  
Squall – Zell? What the hell are you doing here? And why are you wearing something that wouldn't even qualify as a G-string?  
  
Squall's only answer was more growling, followed by a warning bark.  
  
Squall – Ummmm..... Zell, are you ok? You don't seem quite like yourself....  
  
Again, Squall received an increase in growling for an answer. Not quite sure of what to do, he thought frantically for a few seconds before coming up with an idea.  
  
Squall – Hey Zell! You're a good doggy, aren't you?  
  
Zell immediately stopped growling to sit on his haunches. He cocked his head to one side and looked at Squall questioningly.  
  
Squall – How about you be a good boy and show me the way to Madame Cash- .......er....Madame Custer-....no, that's not it........Madame Couch-lard?  
  
Zell stayed where he was, lying down and resting his head on his hands. He yawned and looked forlornly at Squall as if to say "There isn't anything you could give me that would make me want to help you..."  
  
Squall, seeming to understand though no words passed Zell's lips, began to frantically search his pockets for something that could persuade the guard- dog to help him out.  
  
Squall – Aha!! Zell, would you like a......hot dog?!?  
  
And of course, (because it's a fanfic and nothing's real), Squall was able to produce a (somewhat moldy and dusty) hot dog from his pockets which resulted in Zell immediately racing across the courtyard, knocking Squall to he ground, and proceeding to lick his face. It took Squall quite some time to calm the 'animal' down before he could stand back up.  
  
Squall – So we're agreed, then? I give you this delicious hot dog and then you show me where to find Madame What's-Her-Name?  
  
Zell barked in agreement, wriggling his butt in the dirt as he waited for his treat. As soon as Squall obliged and Zell finished eating, he began to show his gratitude as only dogs can...  
  
Squall – Now Zell, that's really not necessary.....no, that doesn't go there.......Zell, you should find someone in your own species, for cryin' out loud......I—no, Zell, now would you stop humping me?!  
  
Zell dislodged himself from Squall's leg before narrowly missing a kick. He then began to wash himself as he waited for Squall's orders.  
  
Squall – I swear to God, that'll never come out..... So Zell, time to show me the way, huh, boy? Let's go find this crazy old hag and get this mission over with!  
  
Zell gave a few happy yelps before breaking off at a run for an open door that was hidden in shadows to the right side of the courtyard.  
  
Squall – Zell, where are you going? Are you sure that's the right way?! Zell!!!  
  
But, as Squall received no answer, he had no choice but to follow the guard dog into the dark abyss and meet the terror of all mankind...

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There, another chapter! I know they're short and they suck, but I'm hitting a semi-writer's block and it's a real pain in the ass trying to get the thoughts to flow. Anyways, who will our poor Squall meet up with next? And what will he/she do to Squall this time? Find out in the next chapter!


End file.
